Crossing the border into Russia was a breeze.. No searches, no questions, no delays, just a silent procession of people passing through immigration, whilst their bags were shuffled through an X-ray machine.. and a few hours later we were in St Petersburg. The city was beautiful - heaps of onion domes, Shwarma stalls, musicians, artists, gypsies, cathedrals, roadworks, moneychangers, station hermits, pickpockets and Mormons. We also arrived during the white nights.. that time of year when it never gets dark and walking around the city at 3am feels just like 3pm, only without all the crowds.
We were there for a week, and less than 48 hours before our planned departure, I decided to leave Bones and rehash the trip for a longer route. So now I am travelling with a former Peace Corps volunteer.. She has just spent 2 years in Russia and we decided that it would be kinda fun to go out into Siberia and dig out some of the very small groups of indigenous peoples who live out in the mountains... In particular the Shamenist Buryats in the Sayan Mountains. This has meant that we have had to leave Russia, reenter Estonia and reapply for a fresh suite of visas to see us through as far as Kyrgizstan, (oooh costly!). Iran is emerging as a hot favourite later on, but that will depend on our negotiation skills at the hands of their consulate in Ezerum.
So here I am back in Estonia, wounded from the latest visa shopping spree and waiting for the embassies to finish wielding rubber stamps around the pages of my passport... Hmm.. Mum always told me that an idol mind is the Devil's playground, so Tasha and I started to hatch a plan. We hitch hiked up to Soomaa and camped out at my ole buddy Aivar's place for some brainstorming.. And brainstorm I did, until five o'clock the following morning when I was awoken by a strange roaring sound upstairs. Now roaring sounds aren't uncommon, especially if you live in a zoo. I pondered this for a minute, and remembering that the nearest zoo was over 50 km away, reminded myself of the other thing that roars...
FIRE.
Yes, there was a fire in the room upstairs and the smell of smoke was unmistakable, so I pulled on my pants, ran outside and sprinted up the wooden stairs to the top level. I couldn't see inside. The windows were opaque with smoke. I had no idea of how many people were sleeping inside, or how long the fire had been burning, or how long it would be before the entire wooden buidling crumpled into a writhing crackling heap.. residents and all. Okay, Christo, keep it level. First thing: Open the door and shout a bit to wake up anyone inside... Er, then what? Oh yeah... water.. so I ran downstairs to the sauna, plunged a bucked into the reservoir and bounced back up onto the first floor to do a bit of early morning fire-fighting.. Aaaahh yes, nothing like a bit of fire fighting at 6 o' flipping clock in the morning, oh my brothers! So keeping low, I emptied my bucket, then went back for more. Within a few such trips the flames were gone and the wooden panels had stopped smoking.
So flames extinguished and smoke still clearing from the rooms, I was able to count how many lives I had so heroically saved... er, just one. Yeah, but I was also able to assess the extent of the damage... er, a few wall panels, some floor panels, a matress and a pillow... oh well, let's hope for a real good 'un next time, eh!
So back to the brainstorming and there I was, no more than an hour after my morning bout of flame dousing, crouched by the river bank, gutting a fish and preparing it for the spit, when a chainsaw suddenly flew into my ear.. No, wait! That's not a chainsaw. Not enough blood, but it sure sounds like one - RIGHT INSIDE MY HEAD!! Well the buzzing continued and I felt something wriggle deeper into my ear tubes. I couldn't stop it and the noise was intollerable, so I did what any sane fella might do and plunged my head into the river. I held it there and allowed the water to fill up my ears, hoping to drown whatever (or whoever) had puckered up the courage to venture into my own personal wax-cavern, but it was no good. The buzzing became a blurred clatter.. as if my brain had shrivled up like a pea and was rattling around in my head. Plan B suddely emerged as a reasonable option, so I ran into the kitchen and offered my head to some locals, who prodded around with proddy things, complaining that I was complaining and generally failing to do anything more than giggle and inflict more pain upon my already painful painful bit... So resort to plan C: DROWN THE BASTARD GOOD AND PROPER.
So I did.
Six hours later, I was in hospital with a colossal, inter-galactic Syringe poking into my head, whilst a colossal, inter-galactic syringer dude practised his enema techniqes on my ear. It worked a treat and I ran out of the hospital, expelled bug in one hand, hospital bill in the other and a blooming magnolia of an idea in me bloc..
Why sit around licking a batch of monetary war wounds - inflicted upon me poor wee self by a gaggling bunch of good-for-nothing embassies, when I can exploit my latest woes and agonies and make some good honest copper? The Magnolia just sprouted another bunch of petals and Tash and I were off around town, gathering pens, cardboard, glue, and the ever-important busking lisense... Yes, my dear friends and family, it's time for all the kids of Estonia to tug on mummies' sleevies and point at the funny juggler who had a big nasty insect removed from his ear and needs some money to pay for all those horrid hospital bills and rehabilitation. Oh yes, my brothers, so off we go with a big board sporting THE ACTUAL BUG and a brief description of my tale of woe and misfortune to juggle some money out of the pockets of Estonia.
At a rate of around 6 dollars an hour, the plan was working like a good 'un. By the second day we had already posed for the local press, by the third day we were blazened all over the local newspaper, with a couple of photos and a good long write-up and by the end of the third day I had already sighned my first autograph and we were approached by a girl who wants to do a film documentary on our story... We hitched back to Tallinn yesterday; figured that the copper would come smoother with all the fat, well-heeled tourists and sympathetic elderly Americans. We had to wait 24 hours for the license, but things seem to be working well. We just brought in 21 dollars in the last 2 hours of juggling and now we're off for some more, before packing it in for a couple of beers, then back to the woods to throw down our tent and scoff at our ingenuity. We have arranged some filming sessions for next week with a budding cameraman.. and our minds are beginning to wander over the water to Finland en route to Russia.